Brian Answers All:Brian Answers All: For the Gents

This week, we have an AIM-based contributor who asks, "Hey Brian, how can I get girls?" A very good question indeed. And here's my answer:

Dude,

There are any number of ways to go about gettin' the ladies. It all breaks down to two schools of thought, the subtle approach and the not-so-subtle approach. Once you've gotten the handle of either one of these then we can move on to the five key rules of collegiate dating.

Lets start with the not-so-subtle approach: This school of thought believes that the only way to obtain a woman's affections is through grand gestures. One example of such a gesture would be to scream, "I LIKE YOU! LETS GET OVERPRICED COFFEE AND PASTRIES TOGETHER!" into her ear at close range, she may go deaf, but only in one ear, and she certainly can't pretend she didn't hear you. Other options you might want to consider are writing, "be my valentine" on your penis and smacking her with it (this won't work if you have a small penis, sorry). I mean, you just have to be creative. Of course, as we've learned from movies though, creativity is no excuse not to be manly about it. So the boom box outside her window blasting Barry Manilow is out, ok hotshot?

I should point out that Mariachi bands are super-awesome, and they should be used in this school of thought. As background music for when you slap her with your valentines penis.

Ok, so, how about the subtle method: This school of thought is for lame-wads who want to "play it safe." Nonetheless, I'm sure there are still some people out there worried about the consequences of writing on their genitals. Anyway. The subtle method involves more devious planning and underhanded moves, such as talking to the girl in question, or, like, I dunno, trying to make her like you. I dunno, there's no fun in this method. No genitals left red and swollen from a day of woman-slapping -- no heart and soul if you ask me.

Ok, so now, lets move onto the five key rules:

1) Odds are that if you ask 100 girls out, one half of one girl will say yes. So ask a lot.
2) All girls are expensive, so being able to buy things is helpful.
3) Boobies are pretty, so wear dark sunglasses so you can pretend that you're looking at their eyes.
4) If you get her drunk enough, she might actually agree to a bag over her head during sex.
5) If all else fails, remember: fat girls need lovin' too, and they may even pay for it.