Brian Answers All:Brian Answers All: Philadelphia

From: Jon
Subject: Advice
Date: February 9, 2005 12:40:29 AM
To: Brian[at]CollegeBlows.com

Yo man,

What should Philadelphia fans do now since all our teams are huge letdowns?

Well Jon, its good that you asked that... mostly because its the only question anyone has asked so far.

There are a number of ways to deal with a lack of winning sports teams. The most successful of which is (apparently) what I like to call the "Boston Method." Way back in 1918, the people of Boston scratched their heads and wondered, "gee, how can we win at sports?" Prior to this time, sports had been banned in New England by the Puritans -- but they became extinct after the last one accused himself of witchcraft in 1914 and then burned himself to death. Anyway, back on point, the people of Boston came to the conclusion that they could actually complain themselves to victory.

Pro: It seems to work.
Con: It can take up to 86 years to build up steam.

There are other things that a weary fan can do though. You can always just give up and pretend that your city doesn't have sports. Alan Iverson can't lead the Sixers straight down the shitter if he doesn't exist, right? You won't have to pray that the Phillies stay on top of the Expos, because as far as you're concerned, Philadelphia doesn't have a baseball team. Of course this too has its highs and lows.

Pro: You can't be disappointed with a team that doesn't exist.
Con: Without sports, you might have to do something else on Sundays.. like church or something.

Realistically, the best thing you can do is to just be a Philly fan. I mean, what other group of people can come together so easily to make the most of what they've got? Phillies fans might be having a shit year, but even if they lose the game they'll find some way to have fun -- like throwing batteries at J.D. Drew. Don't forget the ample opportunities to beat up Santa Claus, and, eh, drinking? I mean, if you're drunk, and you're busy beating up a mascot and pissing on the opposing team's wives, how will you ever find time to be disappointed?

I know I wouldn't.

Be glad that you have a team in every major sport except those women's sports and/or Major League Soccer, both of which are too horrible for words.

Love,
Brian