Brian Answers All

This week, we have an AIM-based contributor who asks, "Hey Brian, how can I get girls?" A very good question indeed. And here's my answer:

Dude,

There are any number of ways to go about gettin' the ladies. It all breaks down to two schools of thought, the subtle approach and the not-so-subtle approach. Once you've gotten the handle of either one of these then we can move on to the five key rules of collegiate dating.

Lets start with the not-so-subtle approach: This school of thought believes that the only way to obtain a woman's affections is through grand gestures. One example of such a gesture would be to scream, "I LIKE YOU! LETS GET OVERPRICED COFFEE AND PASTRIES TOGETHER!" into her ear at close range, she may go deaf, but only in one ear, and she certainly can't pretend she didn't hear you. Other options you might want to consider are writing, "be my valentine" on your penis and smacking her with it (this won't work if you have a small penis, sorry). I mean, you just have to be creative. Of course, as we've learned from movies though, creativity is no excuse not to be manly about it. So the boom box outside her window blasting Barry Manilow is out, ok hotshot?

I should point out that Mariachi bands are super-awesome, and they should be used in this school of thought. As background music for when you slap her with your valentines penis.

Ok, so, how about the subtle method: This school of thought is for lame-wads who want to "play it safe." Nonetheless, I'm sure there are still some people out there worried about the consequences of writing on their genitals. Anyway. The subtle method involves more devious planning and underhanded moves, such as talking to the girl in question, or, like, I dunno, trying to make her like you. I dunno, there's no fun in this method. No genitals left red and swollen from a day of woman-slapping -- no heart and soul if you ask me.

Ok, so now, lets move onto the five key rules:

1) Odds are that if you ask 100 girls out, one half of one girl will say yes. So ask a lot.
2) All girls are expensive, so being able to buy things is helpful.
3) Boobies are pretty, so wear dark sunglasses so you can pretend that you're looking at their eyes.
4) If you get her drunk enough, she might actually agree to a bag over her head during sex.
5) If all else fails, remember: fat girls need lovin' too, and they may even pay for it.

From: Jon
Subject: Advice
Date: February 9, 2005 12:40:29 AM
To: Brian[at]CollegeBlows.com

Yo man,

What should Philadelphia fans do now since all our teams are huge letdowns?

Well Jon, its good that you asked that... mostly because its the only question anyone has asked so far.

There are a number of ways to deal with a lack of winning sports teams. The most successful of which is (apparently) what I like to call the "Boston Method." Way back in 1918, the people of Boston scratched their heads and wondered, "gee, how can we win at sports?" Prior to this time, sports had been banned in New England by the Puritans -- but they became extinct after the last one accused himself of witchcraft in 1914 and then burned himself to death. Anyway, back on point, the people of Boston came to the conclusion that they could actually complain themselves to victory.

Pro: It seems to work.
Con: It can take up to 86 years to build up steam.

There are other things that a weary fan can do though. You can always just give up and pretend that your city doesn't have sports. Alan Iverson can't lead the Sixers straight down the shitter if he doesn't exist, right? You won't have to pray that the Phillies stay on top of the Expos, because as far as you're concerned, Philadelphia doesn't have a baseball team. Of course this too has its highs and lows.

Pro: You can't be disappointed with a team that doesn't exist.
Con: Without sports, you might have to do something else on Sundays.. like church or something.

Realistically, the best thing you can do is to just be a Philly fan. I mean, what other group of people can come together so easily to make the most of what they've got? Phillies fans might be having a shit year, but even if they lose the game they'll find some way to have fun -- like throwing batteries at J.D. Drew. Don't forget the ample opportunities to beat up Santa Claus, and, eh, drinking? I mean, if you're drunk, and you're busy beating up a mascot and pissing on the opposing team's wives, how will you ever find time to be disappointed?

I know I wouldn't.

Be glad that you have a team in every major sport except those women's sports and/or Major League Soccer, both of which are too horrible for words.

Love,
Brian

Ok, I've tried getting all of you worthless bastards to email me with college stories before, and for the most part you ignored me. So this time, I'm going to offer my advice.

If you want advice on ANYTHING, I will provide it right here. Being that I am awesome and all, I think I can handle any of your problems and still have time to get drunk and hit on your hot sister. Seriously.

Hate college? Want to know what to do at 3am the night before your term paper is due when you don't even have an intro yet? Wondering what the proper etiquette is when it comes to relieving one's self outdoors? Perhaps you want a clarification on the rules of shotgun, or you'd like to know if it is called for to beat the shit out of that dude that boots all over the bathroom every weekend because he can't hold his liquor (yet still drinks like a pirate). Your answers are here.

So send them in to Brian[at]CollegeBlows.com and I'll post them right up here with a response. If people start sending in enough emails to keep this going, I'll make it more awesome in some way. If not, then I essentially made myself look like an ass, then didn't I?

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This advice service is open and available to anyone who can write me an email in the English language. Emails written in languages closely resembling English (aka, Ebonics, Cockney, or Bostonian) will also be considered. Emails inquiring about college-based topics will take precedence in the unlikely event that I receive too many requests for my advice.